Three Raccoons in a Trenchcoat & the Golf Ball of Fate

Not much happens in in Fort Wayne, Indiana. In fact, there are so few diversions that the town consistently ranks in "The Top Five Most Boring Towns in the United States" lists. It is because of this that a visit to Louis Gardner's combination miniature golf and petting zoo qualifies as a pretty wild night on the town.

Or at least that's what Martin Davis was hoping when he picked Patty Johnson up for a date on a Saturday night. Martin's plan was a simple one: impress Patty with his golfing skills and then woo her with the adorable animals at Putt Putt Pet. There was just one slight problem. Patty was a masterful golfer but Martin had never made it past that cursed windmill obstacle on the second hole. He needed help.

So, early Saturday morning he paid a visit to Ursula Tsoros, a woman rumored to be a gypsy living in a garishly painted Volkswagen van often parked on the banks of the St. Mary River, to beg for her help. At first, she refused but Martin was so pathetic that she finally relented and gave him a golf ball that would go "exactly where it needed to". 

Thus armed, Martin was ready for his date and we join our story already in progress....

"And that's when I told Putting Lou that I could get him a break on his insurance rates!" Martin beamed as he got ready to tee off.

"Putting Lou?" asked Patty.

"Yeah, like "petting zoo" but his name is Lou and he has a mini golf so "Putting Lou."

"I'm pretty sure that no one has ever called him that," Patty replied.

Martin frowned, perturbed by Patty's missing sense of humor. "At least she's pretty," he thought to himself as he placed his lucky golf ball in position. He glanced around, taking in the lay of the astroturf-covered land. Ahead, there was a short hill, about six inches high and a curb that would turn struck balls to the left toward the first hole. He lined up his shot, drew back his putter, stepped on his shoelace, tripped, and smacked the ever-lovin' beejeezus out of the ball. The dimpled orb took of like a rocket, racing down the fairway, hit the hill, and sailed off into the distance.

Patty shouted "FORE!" as she rushed over to Martin who lay sprawled in a tangle of his own limbs and the rented putter. "Oh my God! Are you alright?" she asked, extending a hand to Martin to pull him back to his feet.

Meanwhile, the ball sailed out over the third, fifth, and ninth holes, passed through a gap in the chain link fence surrounding the raccoon pen. It ricocheted around the enclosure, striking all three of the animal inhabitants in their heads.

There must have been a little gypsy magic left in that golf ball because suddenly each of the raccoons stood up, scratching their injured heads, and realized that they could read the sign above their pen - their names spelled out in blocky red letters...

"Ron, Don, and Jon."

"Ow!" shouted Ron, the heftiest and darkest-colored of the three, "that hurt!"

"You can talk!" exclaimed Don, his blue eyes bright with excitement. "Whoa! I can talk too!"

Jon, the smallest of the bunch peered out through the fence, "Cool it, you two! People are coming this way and if they hear your gums flappin', we'll be lab rats instead of raccoons for the rest of our lives!"

"How do you even know what any of that means?" asked Don, although as soon as the words left his mouth, he realized that he understood exactly what Jon meant.

With that, all three raccoons sat down and pretended to be normal. Martin and Patty spotted the golf ball, which they retrieved with the putter and returned to their game, holding hands as they walked away.

"Well, you sure know how to show a girl an interesting time."

As the pair drifted away into the distance, the raccoons began planning a departure of their own.

Three Raccoons in a Trenchcoat Stats
Raccoons have the following three attributes:

Smarts: measure of the raccoon’s brain power, knowing what to say, what to do, and directing other raccoons with non-verbal communication.
Hands: measure of a raccoon’s manual dexterity, used in manipulating objects.
Feets: Measure of a raccoon’s speed and balance, used to scurry around, avoid falling over, and navigate treacherous terrain.

                       Ron     Don     Jon
Smarts:         6          7          8
Hands:          8          7          7
Feets:            7          7         6

When in the trenchcoat, the raccoons sit on one another's shoulders and their actions are restricted by their place in the stack.

Top: Speaking and directing the other raccoons to act accordingly
Middle: Manipulating objects, either directly or with devices
Bottom: Moving the stack of raccoons from place to place, keeping balance, other feets-related tasks

AD&D stats (Component Raccoons)
Climate/Terrain: Any
Frequency: Unique
Organization: Family
Activity Cycle: Night
Diet: Omnivore
Intelligence: Average (9-10)
Treasure: see below
Alignment: Neutral
No. Appearing: 1d3
AC: 9
Movement: 5
HD: 1d6 hp
THAC0: 20
No. Attacks: 1
Dmg/Attack: 1d2
SA: 10% chance of rabies
SD: Nil
MR: Nil
SZ: Small
Morale: Unreliable (3-4)
Xp Value: 7

Raccoons only attack if cornered or rabid (10% chance). The pelts are worth one gp.

Anyone bitten by a raccoon has a 1% chance per point of damage done to contract rabies. When rabies is contracted, there is a 1d4+6 day incubation period. Once this period has ended, the victim has 10 days to live. The victim cannot drink or eat anything and is overly irritable. Anything from loud noises to being awakened at night can set the victim off (the DM determines the temper triggers). If temper flares, the victim must roll a Wisdom check. If the check fails, the rabid person attacks until he is killed or knocked unconscious. When a character contracts rabies, he or she dies from the infliction, unless cured by a Wish, Alter Reality, Limited Wish, Cure Disease, or similar spell.

Three Raccoons in a Trenchcoat (Combined form)
Neutral Raccoon male Fighter 0
AC: 9
MV: 5
HD: 1(d10)*
Hp: 10
Saves: PPD: 16, RSW: 18, PP: 17, BW: 20, Sp: 19
THAC0: 20
# Att: 1
Dmg: by Weapon
Str: 8, Dex: 10, Con: 10, Int: 9-10 (depends on individual raccoon), Wis: 12, Cha: 12
Wpn Prof: Dagger
Nonwpn Prof: Direction Sense, Fishing
SA: 10% chance of rabies
SD: 20% miss chance (see below)
SZ: M (4.5' tall)
ML: 8-10 (Average)
Xp Value: 15

* When hp are exhausted, the raccoons are no longer able to support each other or function as a single unit. They collapse out of their trenchcoat, dividing damage equally between them.
*Because three raccoons take up less space inside of a trenchcoat than a comparably sized human, piercing weapons have a 20% chance of hitting empty space even on a successful attack.

3.5e stats
CR: 1/2     Tiny Animal     HD: 1d8      Hp: 4
Init: +2 Spd: 20', climb 20'
AC: 15 (+2 size, +1 natural, +2 Dex), t: 15, ff: 13
Attacks: (BAB +0/Grap -9); +4 Bite: 1d3-1
SA: - -
SQ: Low-Light Vision, Scent
Align: N Saves: Fort +2, Ref +5, Will +3
Str: 8, Dex: 15, Con: 11, Int: 10, Wis: 16, Cha: 9
Skills: Balance +5, Climb +7, Listen +5, Survival +7, Sport (Miniature Golf) +2, Spot +5; Read/Write and Speak English
Feats: Alertness, Weapon Finesse (b)
Gear: Trenchcoat

* Raccoon traits: Low-Light Vision, Scent, gains a +8 racial bonus to Climb checks and can always Take 10, even if threatened.