Top Ten Deadliest Rabbits – An Easter Celebration

Sunday, when you get up to celebrate Easter, search for colored eggs, filch candy you got for the kids from their baskets when they are not looking and biting the heads off of chocolate bunnies, I'd like to remind you that sometimes the bunnies bite back.

With that in mind, I present to you my picks for the Top Ten Deadliest Rabbits of All Time.

10. Bunnicula the Vampire Rabbit: Instead of a rabbit's buck teeth, Bunnicula inexplicably has fangs, which enables him to bite vegetables and suck the juice out of them.  He also has the unusual ability to get in and out of his cage without using the door, and can open a refrigerator door by himself.  So far he seems harmless to everything besides vegtables but heed the warning of Chester the Cat "Today vegetables, tomorrow the world!"

9. The Trix Bunny (a.k.a. Silly Rabbit): This master of disguise preys upon children by continually attempting to trick them into giving him a bowl of Trix cereal.  He is discovered every time and the children tell him "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" and take back their cereal.  It is only matter of time before rage and frustration spill over into an all-out killing spree.

8. The Swamp Rabbit: This creature attacked former President Jimmy Carter while the latter was on a fishing trip in Georgia.  The creature swam through the water toward the President's boat, hissing menacingly with its teeth flashing and nostrils flared.  The President was able to fend the creature off with a canoe paddle.

7. Bugs Bunny: This cartoon sociopath has clashed with many of his co-stars in the animated film industry including Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Marvin the Martian, Gossamer (the giant orange furry monster made entirely out of hair and sneakers), Daffy Duck and Taz the Tasmanian devil.  While none of his victims have died (except possibly Gossamer who was given a haircut until there was nothing left of him and the Abominable Snowman who melted in his pursuit of the rascally rabbit), all have been confounded for years by Bugs' bullying behavior.   Even the human private investigator Eddie Valiant, while investigating the murder of Marvin Acme was not immune to Bugs’ tomfoolery as the rabbit gave him a fake parachute.

6. The Rabbits of Watership Down: The rabbit Bigwig leads a group of intrepid bunnies on a quest for a new home after a young runt seer receives a prophetic vision of the destruction of the rabbits’ existing burrow.  The search for a new home leads the rabbits into a war with the rabbits living in the warren at Watership Down who are led by the murderous General Woundwort.  I have started the book several times and watched the movie when I was just kid and had fond memories of it...until I watched it with my own children.  Watching those bunnies clawing, biting and tearing each other apart as an adult has probably scarred me for life.

5. Australian Wild Rabbits: There have been numerous reports of these rabbits killing giant venomous Brown Snakes and police have had to be called in to shoot the bloodsoaked monsters who have attacked humans.

4. The Giant Mutant Rabbits from the B-movie "Night of the Lepus": These mutated creatures went of a killing spree in the town of Galanos and neighboring city Ajo.  The combined efforts of the National Guard and civilians recruited from a drive-in movie theater were required to put down this furry threat (done by electrifying a long stretch of railroad tracks and herding the rabbits toward the tracks with cars so the soldiers could shoot the living hell out of the killer bunnies).

3. Frank the Rabbit (from Donnie Darko): A menacing, demonic-looking rabbit with a hypnotic voice.  This rabbit convinces Donnie Darko to commit a series of crimes.  This leads Donnie to steal his father’s gun, flood the school and burn the home of a motivational speaker (revealing a hidden child porn dungeon).

As the movie progresses, Donnie and his girlfriend Gretchen are assaulted by a pair of high school bullies and Gretchen is knocked unconscious.  A car swerves to avoid a little old lady in the street and strikes Gretchen killing her.  The driver is revealed to be Frank who is then shot by Donnie. 

2. Quicky the Nesquik Bunny: This marketing mascot, known worldwide as a shill for chocolate and strawberry flavored milk is the most subtle and prolific killer on this list.  As the spokes-rabbit for a product that could be argued to cause over-eating and thus contributing to obesity and Type II Diabetes, a disease that kills an estimated 4 million people every year.

And finally, we come to the Deadliest Rabbit of Them All …

1. The Rabbit of Caerbannog (a.k.a. the Vorpal Bunny): While this monster may not be the most prolific killer on our list, it is certainly the most efficient.  The Cave of Caerbannog is the home of the Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.   An unknown monster initially guards the cave. King Arthur and his knights are led to the cave by Tim the Enchanter, and find that they must face down its guardian beast.  Tim verbally paints a picture of a terrible monster with "nasty, big, pointy teeth!" so terrifying that Sir Robin soils his armor.

When the guardian appears to be an innocuous white rabbit, surrounded by the bones of the fallen, Arthur and his knights no longer take it seriously.  Ignoring Tim's warnings ("a vicious streak a mile wide!"), King Arthur orders Sir Bors to chop its head off.  The knight confidently approaches it, sword drawn, and is immediately decapitated by the rabbit biting clean through his neck, to the sound of a can opener.  Despite their initial shock, Sir Robin soiling his armor (again), and Tim's loud scoffing, the knights attack in force, but are driven into flight as the rabbit leaps and attacks, killing the knights Gawain and Ector with ease.  The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch was then used to kill the beast, allowing the quest to proceed.  

So, just to sum up, if it has hoppy legs, a twitchy little nose and eats entirely too many carrots, it is not to be trusted - after all what DO they need such good eyesight for anyway?