Cracks and Crevices – Rise of the Not Me

My wife and I were off work yesterday so we buckled down and cleaned the house.  I vacuumed.  As I was working on the stairs, I started to wonder where the crevice tool had gotten itself off to and THAT got me to thinking that “Cracks and Crevices” would be an excellent name for a D&D-style gaming system, complete with the nearly requisite naming convention.  I mentioned this to her and she commented that it sounded more like a children’s board game to her.

I was like “Whoa!” and started imaging a Chutes and Ladder board marked with household furnishings that could be searched for “treasures” (mostly loose change under the couch cushions) where whichever player collected the most loot while cleaning house would win.

I may come back and revisit that idea later so no thunder stealing please.

The other idea I had was very much in the vein of “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”.  A group of adventurers are drastically reduced in size and must navigate the house/castle/dungeon in question in search of the means to reverse the effect.  Along the way, they must avoid household pets like cats and dogs, battle assorted pests like flies, mice/rats, spiders, and maybe roaches.  But there are other creatures lurking in those hard to reach places beneath that collect dirt and debris no matter how much you clean, menaces like Dust Bunnies, Sock-Stealing Gnomes, and the Dreaded “I Don’t Know/Not Me” that makes messes and hides items like TV remotes, car keys, and sunglasses whenever your back is turned.

It is this last creature that I would like to focus on today.

“Who Made This Mess in Here?" – Every Parent Ever

“I Don’t Know, Not Me!” – Every Child Who Has Ever Been Asked That Question

The “Not Me” is a fairy of the Unseelie Court.  Its sole reason for existence is to make messes, the bigger, the better.  It will knock over waste bins, scatter the contents of laundry baskets across the floor, draw on walls with crayons and markers, not flush toilets, and dump out children’s toy bins every chance it gets.  Naturally attracted to the homes of children with “uptight” (i.e. Lawful-aligned parents), the Not Me enjoys getting children in trouble.  They can be held at bay by sprinkling powdered iron across thresholds and windowsills but this only lasts as long as those protective lines remain intact, the child outgrowing the Not Me, or by making it reveal its name.

Not Me

CR: 1

Neutral (Chaotic tendencies) Diminutive Fey

Int: +4, Senses: Listen +1, Spot +1, Low-Light Vision

Languages: Read/Write and Speak Common and Sylvan

AC: 18 (+4 size, +4 Dex); t: 18, ff: 14

Hp: 4 (½d6)

Immune: - -

Fort +3, Ref +6, Will +3

Spd: 20’ (4 squares)

Melee +8 Broom: 1d3-3 plus blinding

Base Atk: +0, Grap -11

Str: 5, Dex: 18, Con: 13, Int: 10, Wis: 13, Cha: 14

SA: Spell-like Abilities

SQ: Banishment Conditions, DR5/cold iron, Dust Cloud, Low-Light Vision, Natural Invisibility, Relative Appearance

Feats: Acrobatic, Weapon Finesse (b)

Skills: Balance +8, Bluff +6, Jump +3, Perform (Any One) +6, Sleight of Hand +8, Tumble +10

Climate/Terrain: Any land (usually urban areas)

Organization: Solitary

Advancement: 1-3 HD (Tiny)

• Banishment Conditions (Su): If a Not Me can be tricked into saying or reading its own name, it is instantly banished back to the Realm of Faerie (no saving throw).  Each of these creatures carries some object that serves as a clue to its identity.  Their names are fairly simple, being patterned after common objects that most children would be familiar with.

                Ex. A Not Me named ‘Dandelion’ may carry or wear wreath made of dandelions or ‘Cat Whisker’ may be covered in whiskers, etc.

• Dust Cloud (Ex): A Not Me is continuously shrouded in a swirling cloud of dirt and dust from the waist down.  This serves to obscure the fairy from view and provides partial concealment.  If A Not Me is forced to fight, it will smack its opponent with a broom.  This creates a small dust cloud that can blind its target for 1 round unless a Ref save (DC12) is passed.  The save is Dex-based.

• Natural Invisibility (Su): Not Me’s are naturally invisible to any to viewers of adolescent or greater age.  This is constant, even if the Not Me is attacking but it can suppress or resume its ability as a free action.

• Relative Appearance (Su): The Not Me’s appearance differs depending on who sees it, on each individual viewer’s tastes and world experiences.  The perceived appearance varies from viewer to viewer and can include changes in race, voice, and mannerisms to present the seer’s idea of the most messy and chaotic being they can think of.  The differences in the viewers’ perceptions often lead parents to believe that the children in question are lying or blaming the mess the Not Me makes on an imaginary friend.

                Those who are able to perceive the Not Me’s actual appearance (via True Seeing or similar means), see a small green-skinned humanoid with large ears, small eyes, and a broad flat nose (almost like a goblin) shrouded in a cloud of dust and carrying a straw broom.

• Spell-like Abilities (caster level equal to HD) – constant: Detect Law, at will – Prestidigitation

AD&D Stats

Climate/Terrain: Any urban

Frequency: Very Rare

Organization: Solitary

Activity Cycle: Any

Diet: Omnivore

Intelligence: Average (10)

Treasure: Incidental

Align: N

No. Appearing: 1

AC: 6

Movement: 8

HD: ½ (4hp)

THAC0: 20

No. of Attacks: 1

Dmg/Att: 1d3-3 plus Blinding (Save vs BW to negate)

SA: Spell-like Abilities

SD: Cold Iron or better weapons to hit, Banishment Conditions, Dust Cloud, Infravision, Natural Invisibility, Relative Appearance

Magic Resistance: Nil

Size:  T (6” to 1’ tall)

Morale: Unsteady (5-7)

XP Value: 35