Goblin Chef?

The other night, my wife was reading through some click bait on the internet and found an article about the strangest things confiscated by customs agents. Somewhere on that list was a glass jar of eyeballs floating in saline solution.

I said “Holy (expletive deleted)! People were sneaking pickled eyeballs onto the plane?”

She looked at me like I had lost my mind and was like “No. Organ smuggling.”

(I stole this picture from https://www.deviantart.com/fhaleen/gallery/?catpath=%2F&edit=0&q=goblin+face and added the hat)

But the idea of Pickled Eyeballs stuck with me. All of yesterday, I thought about it. I eventually reached the conclusion that a goblin might be found carrying a mason jar of pickled eyeballs. And from there, the idea of a goblin chef who runs around preparing “exotic” dishes began to form.

I found an English to Goblin Translator (which I find far more awesome than I probably should) which I used to make a name for the monstrous creation I present to you now....

Sharr Rhum K Drann of the Smashed Teeth Clan

CR: 1
Male Goblin Ranger 1
N Small Humanoid (Goblinoid)
Init: +3, Senses: Listen +4, Search +4, Spot +4, Darkvision 60’
Languages: Read/Write and Speak Common and Goblin
ACL: 16 (Leather Armor, +3 Dex, +1 size); t: 14, ff: 12
Hp: 9 (1HD)
Immune: - -
Fort +3, Ref +5, Will +1

Spd: 30’ (6 squares)

Melee +3 Chef’s Knife: 1d4+1 (19-20)
Melee +3 Two-Pronged Fork: 1d4+1 (19-20)
Combat Gear: Chef’s Knife, Two-Pronged Fork, Leather Armor

SA: Class Abilities

SQ: Goblin Traits

Feats: Self-Sufficient, Track (b)

Skills: Heal +5, Hide +7, Knowledge (Nature) +4, Listen +4, Move Silently +7, Profession (Chef) +5, Ride +7, Search +4, Spot +4, Survival +7

Possessions: Chef’s Outfit (Double-Breasted White Jacket, Houndstooth-Patterned Black and White Breeches, Black Leather Belt, Tall, Round, Pleated White Hat, Foot and Ankle Wraps), Leather Armor, Chef’s Knife (treat as Dagger), Two-Pronged Turning Fork (treat as Dagger, tang doubles as whetstone), 1-lb Bag of Lichen Flour, Bandolier with 5 Pouches for Spice Jars (Bay Leaves, Black Peppercorn, Coriander Seed, Fennel Seeds, Mustard Seed), Belt Pouch, Small Flask of Cooking Oil, Flint & Steel, Flour Sifter, Fowler’s Snare, Frying Pan, Flask of Black Ink, Ink Pen, Jar of Pickled Eyeballs, Leather-bound 100-pg Journal (for writing down recipes), Meat Tenderizer, Measuring Cup, Mess Kit, Mortar and Pestle, 1-lb Bag of Salt, Spatula, Spool of Twine, Stew Pot (worn on head underneath hat), Wineskin, Winter Blanket

Height: 3’4”     Weight: 45 lbs.     Hair: None    Eyes: Black
Appearance: Sharr Rhum K Drann is a bald, green-skinned goblin with large ears, black eyes, and a mouth filled with small jagged teeth.  He has a vertical scar across his left eye.

• Goblin Traits: Small Size (+1 bonus to AC and attack rolls; +4 bonus to Hide checks; Carrying capacity is 3/4 that of a medium creature with the same Strength); Darkvision 60’; +4 racial bonus to Move Silently and ride checks; Rogue is preferred class for multiclass purposes

• Class Abilities: Proficient with all simple and martial weapons, and with light armor and shields (except tower shields)

     Ranger: Favored Enemy: gain bonuses to Bluff, Listen, Sense Motive, Spot and Survival checks and damage rolls (includes ranged attacks within 30'): +2 vs Animals; Wild Empathy (-1), Track

For 1st or 2nd edition, I would just use a standard goblin and substitute the equipment above.

His recipes would be pretty standard but would substitute stuff like grubs and larva in place of beef, pork, and poultry, a preponderance of subterranean fungi and lichen and stuff like that.